Chasing Dad

Last week on the Samoa Observer website, I read the article "Do you know this boy?" which led me to the immensley heart-warming blog Chasing Dad by a Kiwi man named Al Ronberg on his journey to visiting Samoa.  Al's father who passed away in 2000 after battling Alzheimer's disease, spent time in Samoa during the 60's, including Samoa's Independence Day.  In short, October will see Al and his family travelling to Samoa - a place that has captivated him for the longest time and a place his father adored.  Part of Al's journey to Samoa includes attempting to find a boy in a few of his father's old photographs taken in Samoa (one pictured above).

Reading Al's blog got me thinking about my own journey back to Samoa as an adult.  I had been to Samoa several times as a child, however time erased all but a few precious memories.  In my early 20's, I started talking about going back and a few years later, I finally made the move to live there, albeit a short while.  It was not till on the plane from Auckland that I fully comprehended what I was doing.  All these mixed emotions overwhelmed me as I thought of all I had left behind and the unknown that lay ahead.

That first trip back to Samoa will forever be one of the greatest experiences of my life.  To see, to smell, to touch, to taste, to feel, to hear, to breathe, to cry, to hurt, to laugh and to love in Samoa somehow helped me know myself better.  And the strengthening of the connection to my mother who is Samoan, to her parents and their parents by simply being, in a land I had yearned to be part of again, is priceless.

To Al Ronberg, I wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for.  Keep your heart and mind open and everything else will follow.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

My Heartland

Tonight the moon is bearing bright on the land.  It is nights like these I often think about my Grandmother.  When I was young she would tell me stories about how she would lie awake in bed while everyone else slept, reading by moonlight.

Tonight the air is enveloping everything with it's chill.  It is nights like these I often think about my Grandmother.  When I was young she would tell me stories about how she would have to walk to school, rain or shine.  Winters were the worst.

Tonight the heart is heavy with longing.  It is nights like these I often think about my Grandmother.  Now that I am no longer young and she has gone, I long for more stories that give sight to the landscape of her Heartland.

Tonight is one of those nights I often think about my Grandmother.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

'O le lima e paia le mata

While we are on the topic of labels, I thought I would explore another label I have been smacked with in my time...

Palagi.

The funny thing is, I don't think I ever got called a Palagi by just about anyone until I lived in Samoa, and the people referring to me as Palagi were Samoans!  If only they knew.  Or even if they did know, would that have changed anything?  I know a few times it would have because I bummed a few people out.

The most memorable was while out on my own watching some sport and very much minding my own business, I caught a man sitting further down from me confidently exclaiming to his friends in Samoan that I knew absolutely nothing about fa'asamoa.  I looked up at the unfamiliar face just as one of his friends was telling the guy that I in fact did know something of fa'asamoa and understood what he was saying as he had heard me talking Samoan earlier.  With all confidence gone, I never saw the guy again.

Sure I have fair skin, but what is it that possesses a Samoan to assume I am clueless about fa'asamoa?  And to declare this right in-front of me? 

One thing I know for sure is I am Samoan.  I have a history, a culture and a tradition I share with every other Samoan, irrespective of where I was born.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

who am i?

After my very minimal attempt at researching the word 'afakasi on Google, I found that according to Urban Dictionary there are two definitions for the word.  The second definition I really cannot cope with while the first one I can as it is very much in line with my definition: derived from the word half-caste, 'afakasi is a Samoan term which refers to a person with one Samoan parent and one Palagi parent.

Often throughout my life I have been asked the questions "What are you?" and "Where are you from?" to which, in more recent years, I have responded with "a human being" and "I am from New Zealand" knowing full well the answer they are actually searching for is an explanation for the way I look - Polynesian yet fair skinned.  Every time I get asked those questions the person is usually sure I am Māori and checking to be polite or feels a need to label me for whatever reason as they are quite unsure of my race and ethnicity.

History all over the world tells us the word half-caste was very much a derogatory term and I firmly believe the term 'afakasi is derogatory today although maybe not as widely.  The thought of someone that does not know who I am calling me 'afakasi makes my insides churn because today it seems, being called 'afakasi goes beyond describing genealogy and extends to describing the understanding of an 'afakasi's own ethnicity and culture.

As an 'afakasi, I am not a human being roaming this earth doomed to incompleteness for the rest of my life because I am merely half of something and half of something else.  I am a complete human being who carries my genealogy as a whole - Samoan and Palagi side by side - even if I do not know every single detail due to factors beyond my control.  I do not pick and choose things Samoan with an air of ignorance and arrogance to make up half my identity because I am not just half.  You can look at me and stop at the fair skin, however it takes a brave person to go deeper and find out not what I am, but who I am.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

this is me

Hello. I am a female in my 20's, born from Samoan and European extraction and I live in New Zealand. I was brought up with a mixture of fa'asamoa and fa'apalagi. Somewhere along the line, I realised I was different - I could operate in both the Samoan and Palagi worlds, although I did not feel complete in either. Even now I feel more at ease in the Samoan world, my life sometimes feels like one big anomaly. When I think I have it all figured out, someone says something or something happens and I feel like I am back to square one!

After much thought I have decided to start this blog 'Afakasi Memoirs. Why? My first answer is "because I can". The more in-depth answer...I am working on that. For now, this is a forum where I can speak freely and whoever cares to read and share may do so. I hope by sharing my story I will be able to understand more about who I am and learn from the wisdom of others.

While trying to figure out a name for this blog, I found a personal definition for the word memoir by Gore Vidal: "a memoir is how one remembers one's own life, while an autobiography is history, requiring research, dates, facts double-checked". Vidal managed to say what I think a memoir is and set it apart from an autobiography.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.