a doubting thomas

I had a meeting with a Samoan girl and a socially eccentric Palagi guy last month to discuss a topic that was going to cause a few waves.  Socially eccentric Palagi guy voiced his disagreement on the topic, ending with an idiomatuc expression implying the topic was ridiculous and was received by Samoan girl with the kind of roll-of-the-eyes sigh that screams OHMYGOSHYOUAREABIGWEIRDO.  Later on, Samoan girl asked me what the idiom meant, so I explained.  Her response  with a screwed-up face was that she still did not understand and I did because I am Palagi.  For a split second I pictured myself grabbing Samoan girl, shaking her and yelling uncontrollably because me having Irish blood was not the reason she does not understand and does not make me smarter than her.  I even failed to convince her with the truth that I only understood the idiom because of everything Socially eccentric Palagi guy had said beforehand.  In reality Samoan girl is one of the loveliest souls you will ever meet so instead of me creating a scene fit to land me in a straight-jacket, I had my say, changed the topic and felt sad because it was as if Samoan girl had decided she was not capable of understanding before I explained anything and made me wonder how much of her life she goes through putting a lack of understanding around such things down to her being Samoan.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

who am i?

After my very minimal attempt at researching the word 'afakasi on Google, I found that according to Urban Dictionary there are two definitions for the word.  The second definition I really cannot cope with while the first one I can as it is very much in line with my definition: derived from the word half-caste, 'afakasi is a Samoan term which refers to a person with one Samoan parent and one Palagi parent.

Often throughout my life I have been asked the questions "What are you?" and "Where are you from?" to which, in more recent years, I have responded with "a human being" and "I am from New Zealand" knowing full well the answer they are actually searching for is an explanation for the way I look - Polynesian yet fair skinned.  Every time I get asked those questions the person is usually sure I am Māori and checking to be polite or feels a need to label me for whatever reason as they are quite unsure of my race and ethnicity.

History all over the world tells us the word half-caste was very much a derogatory term and I firmly believe the term 'afakasi is derogatory today although maybe not as widely.  The thought of someone that does not know who I am calling me 'afakasi makes my insides churn because today it seems, being called 'afakasi goes beyond describing genealogy and extends to describing the understanding of an 'afakasi's own ethnicity and culture.

As an 'afakasi, I am not a human being roaming this earth doomed to incompleteness for the rest of my life because I am merely half of something and half of something else.  I am a complete human being who carries my genealogy as a whole - Samoan and Palagi side by side - even if I do not know every single detail due to factors beyond my control.  I do not pick and choose things Samoan with an air of ignorance and arrogance to make up half my identity because I am not just half.  You can look at me and stop at the fair skin, however it takes a brave person to go deeper and find out not what I am, but who I am.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.

this is me

Hello. I am a female in my 20's, born from Samoan and European extraction and I live in New Zealand. I was brought up with a mixture of fa'asamoa and fa'apalagi. Somewhere along the line, I realised I was different - I could operate in both the Samoan and Palagi worlds, although I did not feel complete in either. Even now I feel more at ease in the Samoan world, my life sometimes feels like one big anomaly. When I think I have it all figured out, someone says something or something happens and I feel like I am back to square one!

After much thought I have decided to start this blog 'Afakasi Memoirs. Why? My first answer is "because I can". The more in-depth answer...I am working on that. For now, this is a forum where I can speak freely and whoever cares to read and share may do so. I hope by sharing my story I will be able to understand more about who I am and learn from the wisdom of others.

While trying to figure out a name for this blog, I found a personal definition for the word memoir by Gore Vidal: "a memoir is how one remembers one's own life, while an autobiography is history, requiring research, dates, facts double-checked". Vidal managed to say what I think a memoir is and set it apart from an autobiography.

This is me - Teine 'Afakasi.